Pioneers Club Podcast #4: Beyond Compare: Dealing with the Benefits & Pitfalls of Social Comparison

Intro to the Podcast

Monika This is the Pioneers Club podcast. 

Patrick The community podcast for driven entrepreneurs and leaders. 

Monika Here you can connect with like minded people, create a sense of belonging and gain more agency in your daily life. Hi, my name is Monica and I’m your host. I help entrepreneurs and leaders with big ideas go from feeling overwhelmed, scared and confused to being clear headed, confident and focused as they go after their goals. I’m a mental and systemic coach and primarily focus on topics such as resilience, agency, high performance and goal pursuit, helping my clients thrive in their business with more ease. 

Patrick And I’m your co-host, Patrick. I’m an entrepreneur in the fast paced media industry, and I help people tell stories as a producer and production manager. I work with a global network of partners to create engaging content, combining media and technology to create value and impact. I went or that through the topics of our podcast, just like you and will try to ask the questions you might have. 

Comparison: How more than 10% of your thoughts are comparative

Monika So if I told you that more than 10% of your thoughts are comparative in nature, meaning that you compare yourself to others or yourself in one way or another, what would you say? 

Patrick I would try to find a way to confirm these numbers because I would literally not believe you. 

Monika Well, this is exactly what a study found that was made at the University of Pennsylvania. It found that 12% of all thoughts are comparative, meaning that you compare yourself to others to who you could have been or what you could have achieved, what you could have done, or to some version of yourself that is in the past or in the future. 

Patrick So I’m spending 12% of all my thoughts a day on something that we’re basically taught is not that great because everyone’s saying, stop comparing yourself. 

The purpose of comparison according to social comparison theory

Monika Which is a very common misconception, right? Because comparison does have a purpose.

On the one hand, it can be this negative thing that triggers self-doubt, self-worth issues. But on the other hand, we also know that if we are the only ones doing something, feeling a certain way or thinking a certain way, we feel lonely. We lack a sense of belonging and we lack orientation. Comparison has a very important purpose.

And this is actually something that a cognitive psychologist, Leon Festinger, already claimed and developed in his social comparison theory in 1954. He claimed that we need to compare ourselves to others when we evaluate our abilities, our opinions, our skill sets, our progress and development, especially if it’s not possible to test it directly (so to experiment and get real results or feedback). We need others to orient ourselves in this way. 

Patrick So we need it to improve ourselves. 

Monika Yes, we need it to learn, grow, improve ourselves. And this is actually one of the purposes.

Two types of comparison & the dangers and benefits of it

Monika So you have these two types of comparison, upward and downward comparison.

Upward comparison means that you compare yourself to people who are doing better or who you perceive as doing better than you are. These are role models, ideals, whoever you think about. And you would usually say in social comparison theory that you look up to these people and compare yourself to them in order to on the one hand, it’s by yourself, but also to improve yourself by watching them and learning from them.

And on the other hand, then you have the downward comparison, which also has a very important purpose, where you compare yourself to someone who is not doing as well as you, or at least you perceive him or her as not doing as well as you. And the purpose of this kind of comparison is to self-regulate, self-soothe, in order to remind you of your own progress and feel better about yourself. 

Patrick Couldn’t that be dangerous to some degree when you compare yourself? Upward comparison, you said, has some benefits because you want to improve yourself. The downward comparison is a sort of regulating yourself. But couldn’t both be a bit dangerous, especially when we talk about social media being part of this comparison right now and changes how we compare ourselves to others, how often we do it, it distorts the comparison a bit, right? 

Monika Definitely. So there have always been and I think there will always be benefits and dangers to comparison.

So, yes, you get information on how you well you are doing and how well you are progressing if you find the right person to compare yourself with.

But you can also experience significant dangers in growing even more judgmental towards yourself or towards others. You can be overly competitive. You can compare yourself to people who are not really aligned with your goals, with your values, or even with your needs. So you compare yourself to someone who is just not a good role model or example of measurement for you. Not a bad role model in the goal itself, but in how to achieve that goal let’s phrase it like this. 

The problem of comparison when it comes to social media

Patrick So there’s actually one example that I want to bring into that because it’s something that I experienced myself when I connected to someone from my industry, and it’s someone who has been working in the industry longer than I have, has more experience than I have. But the moment you are bombarded on social media with photos or posts about everything is going well all the time and you start comparing yourself and asking the questions, What could I have done differently? What could I have done better? It can actually be very frustrating to have that comparison in front of you all the time. 

Monika I would actually say that this might be because you don’t really get a lot of information on social media about what they are doing or how they got to the point where they are now or what the reality of their experience is. It doesn’t give you a lot of information.

Just like you said, you want to improve “How can I achieve that?” or “How can I get to the point where they are?” If you are seeing these pictures, they are just like this ideal, but you don’t get any feedback or advice or guidance on the steps that you can take towards that.

So the gap between where you are and where they are can seem overwhelming. Of course, then you would feel bad about yourself. This is one of the biggest dangers and one of the biggest consequences of unintentional comparison that I see and that I work with, with my clients as well is feeling bad about yourself, even if you have no reason to feel bad about yourself simply because you have these superficial or exaggerated ideals that you compare yourself to. 

Patrick I think it’s also something that I found out preparing for this episode when I went through my own social feed and looked at it from this top view, this meta view, and then think about how your posts could react to other people. And when I go back to having a big project in the past and then look at the pictures, you don’t see the struggles. You don’t see what I went through on a daily basis, how I felt getting up in the morning and that it took a few years to actually get all of this done so you can be there to take that one photo. So it’s a huge distortion of reality, actually. 

Monika Well, it just shows you the peaks and not the climb towards the peaks.

And even those who show the climb towards the peaks, they just can’t – and it’s okay – they can’t show you everything. They, it’s not as a reality show.

But if this is the only thing that you compare yourself to or if you compare yourself exaggeratedly to it because you have to work with these tools, you have to be online. A lot of people that we know, a lot of entrepreneurs can’t really choose to turn off social media. If you are at this moment of grinding, right? You are in this moment of climbing the mountain and you are consistently seeing people showing you their peaks, their pictures of maybe not only the mountain that you are trying to climb, but the next mountain, which is even higher, and that you know that you aspire to climb at one point as well and that you should climb as well. Then, there is a lot of pressure that forms a pressure of what am I doing wrong? Because everyone seems to be at these peaks with ease.

And this is something that I hear a lot of the time when people talk to me and I have been part of a circle of entrepreneurs, coaching different entrepreneurs in a network, and it’s so fun to hear when people come to me and compare themselves to other clients of mine and tell me how easy it is for them and how natural they are and why, what is it that they have that they don’t have? But we don’t see it and we compare our grind to their peaks. 

How to use comparison & social media to motivate yourself

Patrick But also I think it can be quite helpful to have some sort of comparison even on social media. And again, I’m speaking from experience when I see certain people, so I’m being pushed a little bit. 

Monika Yes. So actually there has been another study that I have found in researching this episode where it has been shown that there are great benefits if you use social media in terms of comparing yourself correctly. And this is in ways of using it for “friendly competition”.

What does this mean? Well, they took a group of people who wanted to exercise more and who wanted to do more regular practices of workouts or going to the fitness center. And they looked into what would support these people most. Is it a support network that would just offer some kind of emotional encouragement? Is it leaving them alone and just doing things on their own? Or is it putting them in a group where there would be a certain competition by seeing how often others are going to the fitness center, how often others are working out and seeing their results in order to push yourself as well?

Patrick It’s a gentle push to work more to compare yourself to the goals of others. 

Monika To remind yourself of what is possible for you as well.

The important thing here is that the support network, just in the encouragement style of support, was the least efficient way of supporting people to actually work out more. It was way more effective to just leave them alone, actually. But the best way to actually support people was to give them this kind of friendly competition where they would get encouragement, but also this way of comparing themselves and getting a way of pushing themselves.

If we were able to find this way of friendly competition for us as entrepreneurs, I think this would be a great way to reap the benefits of comparison, but also then to avoid the risks. 

Patrick It’s also something our support network can provide. 

Monika Yes, I think it might be easier if you have the people face to face or if you have a very designated group where people are of a certain mindset that you know that you relate to where they have similar goals.

So this is also something that social comparison theory knows that if we compare ourselves to people who are just too different on certain parameters, for us, the comparison doesn’t work anymore, so we don’t really learn from them anymore, but also we don’t compare ourselves in a negative way to them anymore because they are just too different.

Having this way of connecting with people to really have this check in, to have this orientation – definitely it will benefit you. I would say much more than social media in general, because this superficiality, of course, is just something that is in the nature of social media. 

Patrick And it’s not really helping in that instance. You need honest and open conversations so that you can be authentic about the issues, but also overcome those issues.

How to shift your approach to comparison & thrive with more confidence

Patrick So what do I do if I haven’t found that positive approach yet? 

Monika Well, if comparison is still a source of self-doubt and rather negative emotions or experiences for you, it would be important first to identify the trigger.

What is it that started this kind of circle of self-doubt? And what is it that started you to compare yourself? Try to find out, why is it that you are feeling negative about it?

Because sometimes it can be just a justified feeling of frustration, but sometimes it can be a feeling of trying to motivate your and then having this superficiality and then even feeling more frustrated because you’re not motivating yourself, but even feeling worse about yourself. So a little bit… identifying the trigger and recognizing just what is happening at this moment. 

Patrick So when we bring this back to social media, there are a lot of people, especially if we think back to our event, who can’t turn off social media because they need it for work. So they actually will always compare themselves because they are seeing the content nonstop. So what is your advice to them? 

Monika Two things.

First, take time to become aware of your own strengths and really focus on yourself again. If you are doing a lot on social media and being bombarded with other people’s performance and other people’s results, you have to take the time to acknowledge your own wins and not just focus on the external. So this is the first point that I would do it, make it a ritual, or do something like with a friend, with a coach, whoever you need, to go back to acknowledging your own progress and strength.

The second strategy that I would offer you as well is one that I have found as well in a study where they have shown that if people compare themselves not to the number one performing person in a field, but to the seventh best performing person in a field, this comparison effect goes away.

If you compare yourself to someone who is doing well, but who is still learning themselves and who still has space for improvement, this might give you a lot more information, but also a lot more self awareness in being able to acknowledge that others are also just growing and learning as you are. So maybe it’s a little bit easier to consume that comparison then.

But as always, there is not a one size fits all solution. You need to try it out. And one thing that everyone can try to get to a better understanding of how to deal with their own way of comparing themselves is to simply try and identify what kind of comparison am I actually engaging in right now.

If you’re observing yourself, comparing yourself to someone or something and you feel good about it and it motivates you and you are inspired to improve and learn, try to intensify these kinds of comparisons. Try to look for more people who are similar to this person.

If you are finding that another kind of comparison is actually lowering your self-esteem, making you feel bad, making you feel limited or in some way restricting you, try to identify who are you comparing yourself to in this situation and then avoid these kinds of comparison. But trying to avoid comparison overall, I think this is too much to ask. 

Patrick And this is just something that everyone has to learn to deal with. It’s just a natural thing we all have to work on.

Now it’s your turn!

Patrick If you enjoyed this episode, share it with your fellow entrepreneurs so they can listen too. Simply grab the link to this episode or grab the link to the podcast and send it to them. If you’re looking to join our tribe of movers and shakers, to gain a sense of belonging and get fresh ideas and insights, be sure to join our Pioneers club community. The link is waiting for you in our show notes. 

Monika Also, don’t forget to connect with us on LinkedIn or Instagram and let us know: What was one helpful thought or insights gained from this episode?

Have any questions or ideas for us? Head over to our LinkedIn or Instagram pages, and tell us. We read every submission and would love to answer your questions in a later episode too. So thanks for joining us. 

Patrick See you in the next one.

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